Do you hate it when people make those air quotation marks with their fingers to indicate what they are about to say isn’t quite sincere? If you hate seeing it, what is your opinion on reading it? Any strong feelings should be decided upon pretty soon because I am about to talk about (fair warning) “fashion.”
Anyone such as myself, who cannot get dressed for a major event without consulting my friend Kim, should be wary of making statements about “fashion” or even fashion. With or without punctuation, my ideas on haute couture are a lot like my ideas on art. I don’t know much about it but I know what I like.
Of all the things I do not understand about fashion, these are the top six.
1. Models, who used to represent the epitome of the feminine beauty ideal, have become bony and, not to put too fine a point on it, homely. When I was five years old, my poor misguided parents gave me a doll for Christmas. Very soon thereafter, I pilfered my dad’s razor, shaved the doll’s face, and hacked its hair off. It was not an attractive doll after that. The razor didn’t fare so well, either. My dad’s face, before he discovered the hijacking of his shaving tool, also wasn’t in the best of shape. The whole process sent a strong signal to my parents about future toy selection. Now this sort of hacked-hair look is very popular with models. Was I ahead of my time? Were my parents? Was the razor? (The faith my blessed parents showed in me was touching. Misplaced but touching. Once they were going to a swank party and my dad needed a haircut. I offered to do it. Amazingly, knowing my history with hair and sharp instruments, he agreed. The results were so dire we had to find a black permanent marker and color in his scalp on the spots I got a little carried away with.)
2. Unless they are selling toothpaste or toilet paper, the models don’t smile. If I were making an hour what these people are making an hour, I couldn’t stop smiling. They don’t smile, they pout. And they pout with giant lips. Their lips contain more fat than their hips — or would if they had any hips to compare to. How is a person like me supposed to relate to a person with no hips?
3. All female models — plus Johnny Depp — have a lot of black smutsch around their eyes. Many of the pages in magazines have paragraph after paragraph describing how to get rid of dark rings around one’s eyes. This process involves buying products featured prominently on many other pages of the magazines. Girls (and Johnny), let me tell you: there will be plenty of time for dark circles under your eyes. Don’t rush it.
4. If we learned anything from “Sex in the City,” it is that high heels make a woman’s legs look good. (In the interest of full disclosure, let me say right now that I have never actually watched “Sex in the City.” The thing about high heels and legs just seems like something that show would focus on. ) While I appreciate a shapely calf as much as the next person, I cannot understand shoes that appear to be impossible to walk in. The narrow-toed, stiletto-heeled offerings are a podiatric nightmare. Here is not a fashion tip, but a financial tip: invest in “Bunions R Us” at once.
Among much else, I am confused about the concept of “affordable” clothes. I truly am sorry about those latest quotation marks that came with no warning but $200 for a blouse is not “affordable” unless your last name is Trump. And if your last name is Trump, you have bigger problems than the price of a shirt. I know for a fact that if I ever did go insane and pay that much for a single item of clothing I would somehow manage to more or less immediately fall into a vat of spaghetti sauce. And I would deserve it.
6. What’s with the torn jeans?
Marla Boone resides in Covington and writes for the Troy Daily News and Piqua Daily Call.