For the county’s country folks, this is “The week.”
That’s right, the Miami County Fair is upon us.
For city folks, just think of it like this. Simply pack up all your wordly goods to stuff into a dwelling around 140 square feet and put on a three-ring circus for six days. In the heat. Oh, and bring each and every one of your neighbors with you and live side-by-side.
I love it.
For those of us who have the privilege of being a “Fair Parent” much of the preparation beings weeks in advance to ensure a smooth exhibition that lasts through Thursday.
Throw some intense Ohio humidity that would melt the patience of a saint, and that’s how you come to have “Fair Parent Syndrome.”
Symptoms may or may not include shear exhaustion, insomnia, irritability, mood swings, mild depression and mania within a 24-hour period. Symptoms may linger up to six days and a few days post-fair week. It usually clears up with a resolve to do it all again 12 months later.
Yet, folks, great news! There is a cure.
It’s the famous Dairy Bar Milkshake and Cove Spring Grange’s special of the day.
You see, I had a slight panic attack (OK, I completely lost my ever-loving mind) that my absolute favorite Cove Springs Special wasn’t on this year’s list.
I know there are better things to be concerned about like the state of our economy, the upcoming presidential election and global warming, but please don’t mess with my Cove Spring’s Grange Chicken Bake.
It’s like a slice of heaven on a plastic tray, people. Is there any other reason people go to the fair on Saturday?
Luckily, my fear subsided once my Cove Springs connections quickly squashed by fears by noting it was an error in the advertisement.
Folks, I’ve never been so happy about a misprint in my journalistic life.
With that crisis adverted, I’ve been trying to focus on Evan having a great time at the fair with his friends.
For some reason for the last several days I’ve been playing Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be A Redneck” with a Miami County Fair twist in my head. So I stole a page out of his book and I’ve prepared “You Might Be A Fair Parent” in honor of the most wonderful week of the year:
1. If you’ve ever hugged your 4-H child only to smack them 30 seconds later … You might be a Fair Parent.
2. If you’ve brought 1,000 zip ties to the fair, only to run out on set-up day … You might be a Fair Parent.
3. If you’ve forced your child to shower at the fair facilities, and yet you used your gym membership just to use its showers … You might be a Fair Parent.
4. If you buy huge sunglasses to hide your tears during the Junior Fair Livestock auction … You might be a Fair Parent.
5. If you learned the hard way to bring your own water for the animals to drink …You might be a Fair Parent.
6. If you lecture your 4-H child about the dangers of The Gravitron and to be wary of the small-handed smoking carnies … You might be a Fair Parent.
7. If your child ignores your advice about the dangers of The Gravitron and comes back from the midway sick as a dog … You might be a Fair Parent.
8. If you warn your child to not step one foot past the sheep barns or they will be swallowed up by dragons Game of Thrones-style … You might be a Fair Parent.
9. If plead with your child to obey just one, simple request to not play “The Cane Game”… You might be a Fair Parent.
10. If your child ignored the request above and comes back with a stick cane in both hands so you had to tell the story about the the time that a small child just about their age almost died from being impaled by a stick cane… You might be a Fair Parent.
All in all, it’s been a great start to one of the most stressful, yet most enjoyable weeks of the year. Stop by the sheep barn and say hello.
And bring me a milkshake.
“Twin” Melanie Yingst appears weekly in the Troy Daily News. You can’t pull the wool over her eyes in terms of fair safety.