If you are a Troy resident, you are happy.
Now, don’t get me wrong, you may not be Beavercreek happy or Westerville happy or even Upper Arlington happy — but you are certainly happier than those poor schleps in Gahanna or Parma or Hudson.
You are, for the most part, happy — and there’s statistical data to prove it.
An organization called Credit Donkey (I’d love to see the company names they rejected before settling on “Credit Donkey” — perhaps “Dung Heap Loans” or “Squid Face Financial” didn’t make the final cut) recently ranked the happiest cities in Ohio, with our humble little town of Troy coming in at No. 7 on the list.
The top 15 cities on the list were: 1) Beavercreek, 2) Westerville, 3) Upper Arlington, 4) Dublin, 5) Perrysburg, 6) Oregon, 7) Troy, 8) Grove City, 9) Strongsville, 10) Wooster, 11) Hilliard, 12) Mentor, 13) Gahanna, 14) Hudson and 15) Parma.
Now I’ll be the first to admit that I’m extremely biased when it comes to this list — and certainly being in the top 15 is an honor in and of itself — but I can’t for the life of me figure out why any city in Ohio, let alone six cities in Ohio, would be considered a happier city to live in than Troy.
I’ve been to the other six cities ranked ahead of Troy — nice towns and all, but they sure as heck aren’t Troy. But rather than risk having the fine folks of Beavercreek or Westerville show up on my front doorstep with torches and pitchforks (you know, I bet I could make a lot of money if I opened a store that sold torches and pitchforks together — one-stop shopping for angry mobs), I’ll instead choose to examine the criteria Credit Donkey used in selecting Ohio’s happiest cities and offer some suggestions where Troy could improve to perhaps move up next year’s list.
Here’s how Credit Donkey chose Ohio’s happiest cities: restaurants, crime rates, commute, departure time, income, divorce rate and housing.
Let’s look at each of these, shall we?
1) Restaurants: Troy certainly has its fair share of amazing restaurants, from fast food to fine dinning. There are even more restaurants on the way, as well. There’s no food out there for which a Trojan could want, correct? Well, almost. For reasons I still can’t fully comprehend, Troy does not have a White Castle restaurant. I have to believe that getting a White Castle would immediately move Troy up at least four spots on the list.
2) Crime rate: It’s certainly not perfect, but in general, I think Troy residents are pretty safe. We owe Troy’s finest a deep debt of gratitude for keeping things that way. Troy’s police do a fine job — and I’m certainly not going to say anything bad about the folks who hand out the parking tickets.
3) Commute: Well, with McKaig closed for repairs, I’m not particularly happy with my personal commute, but I’m guessing with the easy access to Interstate 75, most of you are pretty happy with your commute. Unless, of course, you work near the corner of Market and Water streets. Then you probably aren’t happy.
4) Departure time: Apparently Troy leads the state in workers who leave their house before 5 a.m. And apparently this makes people happy? What is wrong with you people. Being awake before 5 a.m. — let alone leaving for work before then — would make me extremely unhappy. But hey … it’s their list, not mine.
5) Income: Trojans, on average, make decent livings. If we had a White Castle, we could spend our disposable income on delicious sliders. OK, that’s the last time I’ll complain about a lack of a White Castle in this column. I promise.
6) Divorce rate: Troy’s is very low, compared to the state average. I don’t want to add to the divorce rate numbers when my wife reads this, so I’ll keep my snarky comments to myself.
7) Housing: Apparently, Troy has plenty of it and it’s mostly affordable. I happen to have a house, so I guess I’m pretty happy about that. And my wife has only set fire to the kitchen in our house once. Oops … looks like I could be in danger of adding to No. 6, so I’ll just stop there.
So there it is — all the reasons you should be happy to live in Troy, along with a few suggestions to make us even happier the next time they do this study.
Now go forth and be happy.
Troy’s very own David Fong appears on Thursdays in the Troy Daily News. Contact him at [email protected]; follow him on Twitter @thefong